May 1st, 2010
|01:24 am - Don't Stop Believin'!|
I'm not sure why, but I've been really happy today. I'm listening to Pandora and Journey came on, and I'm just like "YEAH!!!" I'm in Tacoma for the night, doing my Guard weekend, and for some reason I just feel... different. Maybe I still have a bit of a residual sugar/caffeine high. I was listening to stuff I haven't listened to in ages, and I just felt happy.
I spent most of the day with Tyler, cuddling, watching TV, having yummy food, and playing video games between doing laundry and packing for this weekend. He wasn't feeling well, and that sucked, but he makes me feel needed.
I finished reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame, and I really enjoyed it. I could tell it was definitely written towards an older audience, and it was a bit more of an intellectual exercise than just her usual super-natural love triangle. I find myself rereading parts of it, trying to see if I missed certain things on the first read-through.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting in here. Its not like anybody really reads this, or I'm saying anything all that interesting. I guess I'm just in a weird semi-introspective mood. I know the past year and a half or so, I have been kinda flakey. I'm not sure why... maybe I always sort of have been. It seems like the only people I haven't been like that with are Tyler, Katie, Wynn, Frank, and Josh.
Tyler has changed me, and my life, and I've come to realize things about myself and my life. He has been through the tough things and the happy things, been my refuge and yet didn't let me feel sorry for myself. I've never loved or wanted anyone more, and I'm thankful everyday that I stuck through the hard times with him early on. I don't know what the future will bring, but for now... I'm happy, and in love, and I have a bright future ahead of me.
Current Location: King Oscar's, Lacey, WA
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: "Roxanne" by The Police
September 18th, 2009
|10:48 pm - I'm not going to let life get me down|
So, things have been crazy. School is starting up next week. I worked thing out with Tyler, and have actually gotten gas money, etc. from him. We haven't seen each other much this week, since he's been heavy duty into his whole MMA training thing. But, I'm kinda enjoying the alone time, though I do kinda feel a straing. I had a pretty good afternoon with him though, in between his trips to the gym.
In other aspects of my life... money is still an issue, though I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing that's really bothering me is that today, I found out my grandma has leukemia. I'm not sure how to handle it all, but that's part of how my afternoon with Tyler was spent. He was being really supportive and comforting, and I really needed that. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it'll definitely affect me one way or the other. I don't want her to be going through all this alone in the middle of South Dakota. Its partly my nature to up and move to go take care of her, but I don't think that's really an option right now. I need to stay in school, though I may be able to pull off taking a term off. But, probably no more than that.
In any event, I'm going to enjoy myself with friends at my home tonight. As shitty as it all is, I need to be thankful and grateful for what I have. And what I have is pretty damned good. I have good friends, a home I feel safe in, a cute/rambunctious dog, a wonderful family, and an enormous amount of liquor. Whatever happens, there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud. And I'm not going to sulk or get depressed. I'm going to accept the things I can not change, and I'm going to strive to fix the things I can.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: "Cape Cod Kwasa Kwasa" by Vampire Weekend
May 2nd, 2009
|09:26 pm - The Changes a Year can bring|
I realized today just how much my life has changed in the past year. I'll be 25 on Tuesday, and its just... I didn't see myself being HERE, this time last year. I thought that I'd re-enlist, be a lifer, still be living with Chris... I had my picture perfect little life, but I didn't really know what it was. Hell, this time last year I was waiting to leave Afghanistan. I didn't know the crap Chris was doing behind my back. I didn't know I'd get orders for Korea. I didn't know or even dream that I'd have left the Air Force.
My heart is in turmoil. I'm taking all my files, etc. off the laptop I'm "selling" Tyler. I don't know what lies in store for us, but I'm kinda like Rock in Black Lagoon right now. I'm sitting in the twilight, neither in the day or the night. I can see part of each way it could go. I'm moving on and healing from all that though. At least, I like to think that I am.
Current Location: King Oscar Motel, Lacey, WA
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: "Sic Transit Gloria" by Brand New
February 15th, 2009
|04:38 am - Heartbreak|
So, Tyler and I aren't together anymore... and somehow, the reasons seem stupid, but I know he sees them as valid. His life is a mess, and the stress just seems too much, and he doesn't want to be a leech on me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's not really ready to be a "functional member of society" and as such, he's not ready for me. Not the way that I'm ready for him... He wants me to be in his life, and be his friend if nothing else. But, he's having problems taking care of himself, and his pride won't allow him to be a "kept man."
He really is no good for me, in a number of ways. But, I love him. I miss him. As much fun as I had today with Jared, Derick and Heather, and Jordan later... Now that it's early morning, and I'm alone, I'm miserable. I've shed the mask of normalcy, and the true depth of my pain comes out. I kinda knew this torrent of emotion was going to come, sooner or later... and it's blasting out now. I want to curse, and shout, and cry, and run... I want to run as far and as fast and as long as my legs will hold out, and then run some more. I want to run until my guts seize up, and I puke. I want to push myself to exhaustion, so there isn't enough energy for me to even think, let alone feel.
I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be ok. But, at the same time, just as it always is in the immediacy of the moment, I don't feel like I'll ever really be ok again. I want to hide within myself, bury my heart as deep as I can... and then, maybe some day... when I'm ready, I can dig it out again. Until then... I don't know what I'll do. But, part of me just wants to hide here and lick my wounds.
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: sad
February 4th, 2009
|03:14 am - Life of Jen|
So, its late at night. Today's been the best day I've had in a very long time. Probably because I feel like what I'm doing is worthwhile for a change. I've been busy, and maybe somewhat inaccessible to some of the people in my life.
I started doing my work study this week, and I really find that I enjoy it. I feel like I'm helping people, maybe making something of a difference in the lives of people who would otherwise not have the chance to do something greater with their lives.
There was this one couple today that came in. She was the wife of a former Marine, who was 100% disabled. I got a real picture of her life. She kind of reminded me of my sister, about the same age. She was the kind of woman whose had to work her whole life just to scrape by. And now, it was her chance to follow a passion she'd been slowly pursuing for years. Today, I found myself feeling hopeful. I hadn't realized that I'd lost that feeling, but today, seeing those people come in and try to make a change and get an education... It made me proud. I haven't done something that made me feel like that in a long time, and that feeling just sorta pervaded most of the day.
For the first time in a long time, I felt hope for myself and those people. I felt joy, and I felt happy. I took Tyler down to Clark and got him started down the road to college, and maybe making something out of his life. Things with him are good for now, though I'm wondering when his mercurial temperment will go back to being cold. But, he has been helping me realize certain things about myself that I never really looked at. I don't want to fuck things up with him, though there are times when I am definitely pretty flakey. I don't like that about myself, and I kinda wonder when that started happening with me.
I know in a way... since my grandfather died, I haven't really been the person that I was. I've always just kinda put that up to grief, but I know now that it's been something else wrong with me at heart. Leaving Afghanistan for that funeral, being there when he died... I realize now that all the passion and the pride I had died there. But, now I guess I feel... different. The 1 year anniversary of his death is coming up soon, just a few days away. I still miss him. But, today was the first time in a long time that I really felt like myself. I felt that same fire and energy that made me a good soldier, a good technician, and a good friend. I want to keep being This Me.
I don't want my Hope to die again. I got a text message today from the lady I met at Cinco de Mayo's that kept trying to get me to go to her church. I do believe that God has everything happen for a reason. I feel like maybe, I can see part of hte picture of what my life holds. I see where my life is going, and I feel truly happy for the first time in ages. I don't really see how I could want more. I have a great boyfriend, my family and old friends are close by, I'm intellectually challenged, have a job I find fulfilling... I feel freer thaan I have in a very long time. I have no regrets.
I should sleep now, but I just felt like saying all this. It felt like it needed to get out. Later Journal Junkies.
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Tyler's snoring
January 4th, 2009
|06:53 pm - Anxiety|
I'm at my parent's house, supposed to be having dinner. I feel really anti-social, but I thought coming over here would ease my mind a bit. School is starting soon, and soon I'll have to work, and I find myself plagued with my inner doubts, about everything.
What if things with Tyler don't work out? What if I suck at school? What if I hate my job? What if this is all that there is for me? Will I look back on the past 6 years of my life and wonder... Did I do the right thing? What if that was the peak of my life? Part of me wants to settle down, have steady long-term relationships, get married, have kids, have a career... But, there's still htat part of me that rebels against the norm. Part of me wants to see foreign lands, and have exotic lovers, and do the things few others do. Will I always be plagued by wanderlust?
Sometimes, I feel like I just rejected one cage for another. And lately, say the past few days... I guess starting tomorrow, I'm starting the new life I thought I would love. And part of me has been supremely happy, if not all of me. But, now... Now, I can tell that the dark, fucked up voices in my head is trying to surface. And it wants me to fuck up all my plans. It wants me to lose the boyfriend, quit school before I begin, and take another road. Like, trying to get that AGR job in Tacoma. It wants me to forget about my friends here, and my family, and be totally selfish and make a clean start somewhere that no one knows me.
This is me, at my most honest, raw, and ultimately, self-destructive. In fact, even posting this is self-destructive. I've been sabotaging myself for awhile now. I guess I just finally wanted to tell someone else about it. Sometimes, I really do hate myself.
I hate myself today.
Current Location: My Parent's House
Current Mood: distressed
December 15th, 2008
|03:52 am - Frustrations|
I went out to see The Day the Earth Stood Still with friends. It wasn't that bad, though I think the book is much better.
I'm frustrated and angsty at the moment. I want to fight now.
December 13th, 2008
|04:30 am - Home|
Went out with friends tonight, namely Derick, Heather, Jared, Leslie, and Mike, with Alex showing up later in the night at The Galaxy. We did a little karaoke, and ended the night eatting out at Denny's. It was a lot of fun, and I really missed them peoples...
I feel like my life has been kinda just passing by really fast the past few days. I seem to sleep all day and be up all night, not sure why that is entirely. I'm trying to break myself of that though.
The cold has come down, and the rain has been falling steadily tonight. I've walled myself up again, rebuilt the castles that protected my heart and mind. The cold always makes me feel... different, alone, seperate, alive, melancholy -- nights like tonight. Even after all the fun, the friedship, I just feel... the cold when I'm home, inside my room. Soemtimes, I embrace that feeling; the feeling that makes me feel small in the world, the universe, and my problems seem even smaller.
I think a lot about love lately. I've come to realize that I've never really gotten over Ryan. Every one I've been with since him has just been a time killer, a ploy to not feel alone. Even those I know that I can trust... I just dont' feel like I can truly give all that I gave before. I can't give anyone that amount of control over my heart and feelings again. Its so hard to let anyone in. There are certain people in my life, I wish that I could let in. But, my mind rebels, my heart hides, and my body... Well, what it wants, I don't -really- need. I prefer being alone to toying with someone's feelings. I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to make promises I don't think I can keep. I don't want to get attached to someone I don't think will ultimately stick around, despite his best intentions towards me. I prefer nice guys to assholes, but sometimes I find assholes easier to deal with. I can use them and abuse them, and if they leave... I don't really care in the end because they were just tools to fulfill needs anyway. When things end, I can say to myself, "Hey, this part was great, but I didn't really care about him anyway. NEXT!"
But, nice guys... Nice guys, sometimes they change into assholes. Sometimes, things that aren't in their control interfere, and I'm left alone again. Sometimes, "nice guys" are just weak men who only seem nice because they can't deal with confrontation, with real emotions, real needs, with reality.
"She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out
"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"
Vs. "no one should ever feel like.."
I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by
We're falling apart to half time
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me..."
Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: Fall Out Boy "Dance Dance"
December 8th, 2008
|03:43 am - Melancholy Moments|
It's almost 4 a.m., and I'm still awake. I could attribute it partially to sleeping too much today, but I know that's not really the problem. I feel like there's something deep inside, that just doesn't want to quiet down. I feel kinda lonely, questioning, and I know I need to just shrug it all off... But, there's so much going on inside, and I wish for someone to talk to, but I can't seem to bring my walls down right now.
I don't want to be alone right now. But, I know its how I have to be. I find myself missing someone, something, wanting... I feel like I can't move on, but I can't go home. And I just feel... weak, and vulnerable, and all the familiar things are gone. I'm free, to make my own choices for the first time since I was 18.
None of this really makes any sense. I'm tired, and I just... feel frustrated with myself and my life altogether.
Current Mood: grumpy
November 29th, 2008
|11:08 pm - When it Rains|
So, I've been home for awhile now, moved into a place with Mike. It's been a lot of fun being home, and all. But, there's a part of me that is in a strange mood right now. We're supposed to be going over to Alex's for some sort of bonfire thing. I went to his and Nathan's show earlier, and I really liked The New Jangles. I kinda want to talk to Nathan right now, but not sure if I can. I'm just... I saw something in him when we talked earlier, that kinda hit a certain note in me.
I know I should go over to Alex's, but at the same time... I'm more in the mood to have a drink with a friend and talk about life, the world, all the aches and pains that the world brings on.
I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. I just can't seem to focus, and part of me just doesn't want to deal with people. I want to write, thus this post to some bit.
I love Heather, and all the people in my life, and I'm finding those connections growing deeper down inside. And yet, the closer I grow, the more alone and seperate I feel myself, perhaps because I'm starting to find my own identity again out of all the madness of my previous life.
I'd like to write more, but I gotta go. Later, I'll finish this.